The One Where Joey's Stalker Returns
by FictionWriter91
Summary: Joey is excited that his character, Dr. Drake Ramoray, has returned to life, albeit with a different brain, but still! Nothing could go wrong now. Little does he know that the woman Erica Ford, who had stalked with him years before, would come knocking back on his door with the mission of saving him from his new brain and gaining his love again. ONE SHOT


**I know, I know. Another one shot, and in less than one day! I couldn't help it really. I saw the picture (my cover photo), and I couldn't help but create a story where Erica comes back. I love writing the comedy pieces too. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

 _ **1996**_

 _"Check it out! Fan mail!" Joey crowed, waving the letter at the gang._

 _"Whooo!" they all shouted. Monica took it off him._

 _"Dear Dr. Ramoray, know that I love you and would do anything to have you. Your not so secret admirer, Erica Ford. P.S. Enclosed are 14 of my eyelashes..." Monica trailed off. She looked up at the others warily._

 _"If this was crazyland, I'd say she just married you," Rachel told Joey._

 _"This was addressed to your apartment with no stamp. Joey, she delivered this to your door. She was here," Monica said, worried._

 _"Cool! My first stalker!" Joey exclaimed._

 _..._

 _"What should we do for dinner?"_

 _"I dunno. Cook for ourselves?" Chandler replied. They looked at each other and burst into hysterical laughter. Then their buzzer went off._

 _"Hellooo," Chandler said._

 _"It's Erica."_

 _"The stalker?" Joey asked._

 _"How many Ericas do you know?" Chandler asked._

 _"Nevermind, it's open," she said. The intercom went quiet. Joey snatched up the frying pan and held it like a weapon._

 _"I think we need a better plan than that! She's not a cartoon!" Chandler shouted._

 _"Let's get outta here!" Joey cried. They rushed over to Monica's apartment. No one answered their pounding._

 _"The one time they need to be home," Chandler cursed._

 _"It's all right. We'll just leave. She won't recognize me cos we've never met," Joey said logically. Chandler gaped at him._

 _"Are you a radio star? Cos that's the only way she wouldn't recognize you!" he shouted._

 _"She's coming!" Joey hissed, hearing her footsteps. They bolted back into their apartment and slammed the door. Joey grabbed his frying pan again, and Chandler nabbed up the dish soap. Erica knocked on the door._

 _"It's me," she called._

 _"Oh my God. This is how we're gonna die," Joey whimpered. He looked at Chandler. "You ready?"_

 _"Wait, wait, wait," Chandler said, popping the top off the dish soap bottle. "Okay now." Joey opened the door to the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He smiled hugely, and Chandler squeezed the bottle so that bubbles came out._

 _"Hi," Erica smiled._

 _..._

 _"Will somebody help me out here?" Joey demanded. Erica was confused as to how he arrived from Salem so quickly and angry that he had been kissing another actor on the show. She had gotten upset and thrown water in his face. The crazy lady had to go._

 _"Oh! I know," Rachel said, turning the TV back on. "How can he be here and there at the same time?"_

 _"I...I don't know," Erica said, confused._

 _"It's a television show," Joey tried to explain._

 _"Drake, what are you saying?"_

 _"I'm not Drake," Joey said, getting frustrated._

 _"He's Hans Ramoray!" Ross spit out. "Drake's evil twin!" Joey shot him a dagger look._

 _"Is this true?" Erica demanded._

 _"Yes! He lied to me about being Drake so he could sleep with me!" Rachel shouted, chucking her water at Joey's face. He blinked and wiped his eyes._

 _"And then he said he'd run away with me and didn't!" Monica cried, tossing her water on Joey's face too._

 _"And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!" Chandler yelled, hurling his water into Joey's face as well._

 _"Is this all true?" Erica asked, shocked._

 _"Yes. Yes it is. You deserve the real Drake. Go to Salem. Find him. He's the one you should be with," Joey said._

 _"Oh, Hans," Erica said, kissing him goodbye. It started to become intense._

 _"Yo evil twin!" Ross called, jolting Joey back to reality._

 _"Right. Take care, Erica," Joey said, following her to the door._

 _"I'll never forget you," she said, holding up her hand. He slammed the door in her face. Then he turned around._

 _"Okay, the people who threw the water!" he exclaimed._

...

 **2001**

"Hey guys!" Joey said excitedly, coming into Monica's apartment. "So I just talked to DOOL..."

"DOOL?" Phoebe asked, curious.

"Days of Our Lives," Joey answered. "And they said my character is coming out of his coma! I'm getting a new brain!"

"Things are looking up personally and professionally then," Chandler commented.

"Wait, a new brain?" Ross asked, skeptical.

"Yes. A character dies on the show, and their brain is transplanted into my head. It's a very highly controversial procedure," Joey explained.

"It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Ross exclaimed.

"What's stupid is you not having sex in three and a half months," Joey shot out. Ross bowed his head in silence.

"Who's dying?" Rachel asked.

"Jessica Lockhart."

"Noooo!" both Monica and Rachel shout.

"She always throws her drink so well," Rachel sighed.

"And her slaps. God, don't you just wanna..." Monica said, raising her hand.

"Don't," Chandler warned.

"So, you're going to be Jessica Lockhart after your 'brain transplant?'" Ross asked sarcastically.

"Yea, but in Drake's body. Man, I thought you were smart," Joey snorted.

...

 _"What's the matter, Dina? Don't you recognize your own," Joey flips his head, "mother?"_

"Oh my God! Drake! What have they done to you?" Erica gasped. She watched in horror as the man she desperately loved had the brain of another woman. It was atrocious! Something needed to be done. She had to see him. She knew she was supposed to stay away, but this called for drastic measures. Another thing that bothered her was Drake's twin. They had called him Stryker, but when she had been with who she thought was Drake before, he said he was Hans. So was there triplets? Or was somebody lying? She was going to get to the bottom of this!

...

It was two days after Joey's character was revived. He was riding on cloud nine. He was finally back on his beloved show, and he couldn't be any prouder of himself. Yea, he had to grovel after Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. ended, but it had been so worth it! He got up and headed for the fridge for another beer. He was celebrating. Then a knock came on his door. Curious, he opened it.

"Hi, Drake," Erica said. "Or is it still Hans?"

"AHH!" Joey shrieked, slamming the door in her face. What the bloody hell?! Why was his stalker back?! He locked the door and backed away, bumping into the counter and toppling over it backwards in his haste. From the floor, he started panicking. Chandler and Monica were at the Perk with Ross trying to convince him not to play the bagpipes at their wedding. Rachel was at work. He was utterly on his own.

"Okay, okay," he kept saying to himself. "Don't panic. She's just a small woman who thinks your character is a real person. No biggie. She's not a killer. I hope." He winced to himself. He was trying to feel braver than he really did.

"Drake!" Erica called, pounding on the door. "We need to talk!"

"I can hear you just fine from here!" he called back. Then he heard voices.

"Hi! Yea he's in there. Here," Rachel's voice said as she unlocked the door and came inside. "Joey, this poor woman has been locked out by you she says. That's a little rude don't you think?"

"Drake," Erica said, hurrying over. "What have they done to you?!" She knelt before him, grabbed his face with her hands and looked into his eyes.

"Ohhhh," Rachel said, getting it and remembering who Erica was now. Joey shot her a dirty look.

"Come out of there, Jessica!" Erica shrieked, slapping Joey's head hard.

"OWW!" he howled. "Okay, look." He pushed Erica off of him and stood up.

"Is she gone?" Erica asked, trying to see into his eyes again.

"I am NOT Drake Ramoray!" he bellowed. Rachel hid her mouth with her hand so as not to laugh.

"I know. You're Jessica Lockhart in Drake's body," Erica said simply.

"No, no, no!" Joey shouted.

"You're still Hans then?" Erica asked.

"Hans?" Joey was confused.

"The evil twin brother," Rachel hissed under her breath.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, remembering. "Yes, yes I am. I'm Hans. Drake is in Salem."

"Liar. That worked on me five years ago," Erica said. "I'm not falling for that again. Drake was not there, and anyone I asked told me I was insane."

"Which you are," Rachel said under her breath. She went to leave when Joey grabbed her elbow.

"I don't think so," he told her. "I need a witness."

"For what?" Rachel asked, surprised.

"Erica, you need help. Professional help. Okay? I am an actor who plays a doctor on television. TELEVISION! It's not real!"

"Drake, I think the brain surgery has really addled your mind," Erica laughed. Rachel snorted.

"What's so funny?" Erica snapped.

"N-nothing," Rachel stammered. Erica's eyes were scarily intense.

"Erica, you need to leave," Joey said firmly. "Right now."

"But Drake! I can save you!" Erica cried. Joey turned to go open the door to let her out when she leaped onto his back.

"Ahhh dammit!" Joey hollered. "Rach! Do something! Get her off!" Erica had her arms tightly around his throat, which was starting to choke him.

"Let the demons out!" Erica yelled. She started smacking his head again.

"RACHEL!"

"Aieeeyah!" Rachel shouted, and the sound of metal hitting skull resounded in the kitchen. Erica slid off Joey and hit the floor with a very loud "thud." Joey spun around.

"Oh my God!" he shouted. "What did you do?" He looked to see Rachel holding his frying pan.

"You said to get her off!" Rachel cried. She clutched the handle of the pan tightly, twisting it.

"Not like that!" he yelled.

"How else was I supposed to get her off?!" Rachel demanded.

"Not by killing her!"

"Oh God, is she dead?!" Rachel gasped. They both knelt down to check. Erica was breathing, which was a good sign.

"I think she's unconscious," Joey noted. He saw the goose egg on the side of Erica's head swelling up. There was no blood thankfully.

"We should get her to the hospital," Rachel said.

"How?"

"I dunno! I don't have good ideas, remember?" Rachel snapped. She banged the frying pan down on the stove to make her point.

"Okay. I got this," Joey said. He pulled out his cell phone.

"What are you doing?" Rachel asked.

"Calling Chandler."

...

"Oh my God!" Chandler shouted when he saw Erica on the floor knocked out. "What happened in here?!"

"Crazy stalker lady came back and started beating on me to get the demons out," Joey explained.

"Demons?"

"Jessica Lockhart," Rachel clarified.

"Oh, wow. This is insane," Chandler breathed, rubbing his head hard.

"Should we call 911?" Monica asked.

"We definitely should get her to a hospital," Joey said.

"How?" Chandler asked.

"That's why I called you," Joey answered.

"Hey guys! Whoa," Phoebe said, seeing Erica.

"Do you still have your grandmother's cab?" Joey asked, getting an idea.

"Yea, why?"

...

"Okay, I did NOT sign up to host _Weekend at Bernie's_ in my cab!" Phoebe shouted as they barreled down the streets towards the hospital. Joey and Chandler were doing there best to hold Erica up between them to make her look like she was awake to the outside world. Her head kept lolling on Joey's shoulder. Rachel was in the front with Phoebe. Monica had opted to stay out of this one. Ross didn't even know what was going on. He was at home pouting because his bagpipe dream had been shattered.

"What did you expect when you said yes to taking an unconscious person to the hospital then?" Joey asked.

"Not this!" Phoebe hollered as they careened around another corner.

"Honey, I'd like to get there alive," Rachel said, reaching over and patting Phoebe's arm. They arrived in record time, and Chandler got out first and pulled Erica out behind him while Joey pushed from inside. They looped her arms over their shoulders and half carried, half dragged her into the doors. The nurse at the registration desk looked up at them immediately.

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"We found her on the street," Chandler said quickly. "It appears someone has struck her, and she's unconscious."

"Oh my word!" the nurse exclaimed. She picked up her phone and called someone. Within moments, other nurses and a doctor came rushing out with a stretcher.

"You are good people," one nurse said to Chandler and Joey. "Saving an unconscious woman."

"Uh, yea," Joey nodded, scratching his head. Rachel didn't look at him.

"Wait," the doctor said, peering at Erica. "Hold on." He hurried off somewhere else.

"W-what's wrong?" Chandler asked, afraid.

"Not sure," the other nurse shrugged.

"Come on let's go," Rachel hissed. Phoebe was waiting in the cab.

"Drake," Erica started murmuring. "Drake!"

"Her husband? Boyfriend?" the first nurse asked confused.

"Uhhh," Joey stuttered.

"Did you see what happened?" the second nurse asked.

"N-no. We did not. We just came across her like that," Rachel answered for them. The nurses both gave her a scrutinizing look.

"I thought so," the doctor said, coming back and holding a picture. He had a police officer with him, who snapped on handcuffs to Erica's arm and the stretcher bar.

"Whoa," Joey said, holding out his hand. "What's going on?"

"This woman escaped from a mental institute two days ago," the officer informed them. "She's highly unstable. An alert went out to all the hospitals. Thank you for finding her."

"You're very welcome," Rachel interjected before Chandler could open his mouth.

"Why is she in a mental hospital?" Joey asked.

"Are you kidding me?" Chandler said, looking at him sharply.

"I'm afraid I can't disclose that information," the doctor answered. They started wheeling her away.

"Drake!" Erica was calling now. "Draaaake!"

"Let's get outta here," Joey whimpered. The three of them hurried outside where Phoebe was waiting. On the drive home, Joey turned to Chandler.

"I've been thinking," he said. "We really need a code word for danger."

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Bert?"

"As in Ernie?" Chandler laughed.

"Yea. That way when one of us is in trouble, all we say is Bert, and the other person knows," Joey shrugged.

"Yea, okay. Sure," Chandler scoffed. Like he was going to remember that ever.

"I hope she's okay," Rachel said from the front.

"I'm sure she will be once she's back in her padded cell with her meds," Chandler replied.

"You think she'll get out again?" Joey asked.

"I hope not," Chandler answered.

...

Erica was on her way back home. She scowled at her captors. This was not how things were supposed to end. She needed Drake and badly. Why did he just dismiss her like that? She had been trying to save him, that was all! Yet he looked at her with such fear. She sighed loudly, making the one captor look at her sideways. Her arms were fastened in front of her anyway, so it wasn't like she could do anything to him. She closed her eyes and swayed to the movement of the car speeding down the road. Another time. Another place. She would finally be with her beloved, Drake Ramoray.


End file.
